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| Self Esteem Comes Naturally If Nothing Gets In The Way |
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What Is Self Esteem?
And What Gets In The Way of High Self Esteem? Shame & Guilt
Self Esteem is the judgment we have about our value as a human being.We usually have two main areas in which we evaluate, or esteem ourselves: How loveable are we, and how capable are we.
If we don't value ourselves as loveable, we see ourselves as: Unlovable, unattractive, undesirable, unworthy, disgusting, and shameful. if we don't value ourselves as capable we see ourselves as incapable, incompetent, inferior, weak, inadequate, wimpy and/or guilty.
The first domain has to do with being which includes our feelings and our needs. Our needs include needs for 1) physical care and regulation (food, temperature, freedom from pain, etc., 2) feeling that we belong, are attached, connected to another, 3) having like-minded associates 4) exploration and assertion of our points of view, preferences, 5) expression of distaste or aversion 6) and some would say, competetion or territorial power. Often we are taught to feel bad and wrong for merely feeling certain feelings. We may then have a shame reaction. The painful feeling of "not being good enough" - which can spiral into feeling revolting, burdensome, and contemptible -makes us inhibited, and stops our forward actions. With shame we feel as if we ourselves are deficient.
The second domain has to do with action, with doing. The area we are judging is not our very self, but what we have done or not done. The self evaluative feeling is guilt. While feelings of guilt can be extremely painful, we can often correct our behavior. We can fix a broken chair, make an apology to a friend, choose to study harder. With shame, we can't just eliminate a feeling or a need. We have a self that is just wrong and, when we are caught in a shame episode, feel that there's no escape from the crushing feelings of defectiveness.
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How Do You Know If You Have Low Self Esteem?
When your self-esteem is not where it should be, it can feel like you’re walking through life with your hands tied behind your back. On occasions where you want to let loose, you refrain. When it comes time to be in the limelight, you downplay your accomplishments. And when opportunities present themselves, you may doubt your very merit as an individual.People who lack self-esteem will often skirt risks (lest they expose themselves to potential failure) and may have trouble taking responsibility when things do go wrong.
Further, a study by American and Canadian psychologists found that people with low self-esteem are less likely to want to improve a negative mood, even when an activity that could make them feel better presents itself."Many people with low self-esteem believe sadness is part of life and that you shouldn't try to get rid of it, while people with high self-esteem believe in doing something to feel better if they have a negative experience or get in a bad mood," said Jonathon Brown, a University of Washington psychologist who co-authored the study.
There is an organization, the National Association for Self-Esteem (NASE) which has compiled 10 signs of low self esteem. They are:
• You tend to analyze yourself often.
• You fear adversity and may be alienated from parents/authority figures in your life.
• You rarely smile and tend to have a negative outlook.
• You feel tired often and rarely set goals for yourself.
• You’d rather be alone than meet new people.
• You have a hard time making friends
• You don’t make eye contact with others, and have trouble with trust, intimacy and affection.
• You don’t take risks.
• You create negative effects and may be needy, clingy or even may fake affection.
• You engage in negative self-talk and don’t forgive yourself or others.
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From Dr. Bolton's Brochure of Her Private Practice:
"When early caretakers are not able to focus on the needs of the child, the child will then try to meet the needs of the parent. The child has to chose between expressing an authentic self and losing love, or
giving up self expression to keep the necessary tie.
This creates a skewed relational dynamic that has life-long injurious effects on the growing child. Perfectionism, people-pleasing, shyness, submissiveness, depression, and/or anxiety often follow. Issues of self esteem, communication, assertiveness, expressiveness, and creativity are usually involved. Adult Children of Alcoholics, children of narcissists, therapists, and artists, are some of the people most affected."
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From Alice Miller's Drama Of The Gifted Child:
It is one of the turning points in analysis when the patient achieves the emotional insight that all the love which he captured with so much effort and self-denial was not meant for him as he really was; that the admiration for his beauty and achievements was aimed at this beauty and these achievements and not at the child himself.
In the analysis the small, lonely child hidden behind his achievements wakes up and asks: 'What would have happened if I had appeared before you, bad, ugly, angry, jealous, lazy, dirty, smelly? Where would your love have been then? And I was all these things as well. Does this mean that it was not really me whom you loved, but only what I pretended to be? The well-behaved, reliable, empathic, understanding and convenient child, who in fact was never a child at all? What became of my childhood? Have I not been cheated out of it? I can never return to it. I can never make up for it. From the beginning I have been a little adult. My abilities—were they simply misused?' |
Using Our Creativity Enhances Self Esteem
There seems to be a basic sense in us that makes us proud of ourselves when we invent or make things. When we see what we have done- and that we have done some thing we usually light up inside.
For me, personally, I think that my grade school years of making shell jewelry, burning wood plaques, tooling leather wallets, etc. saved my sanity. I know for a fact that having to produce paintings for an exhibit has saved my life.
Artist's Way Groups are a fun, safe way to increase self esteem. Please download a flier for upcoming Artist's Way Workshops. |
A Different Kind Of Holy Rolling
A Therapy Story Of How Shame About One's Needs Can Be Changed Over Time
I just finished watching a film, "The City of Angels," in which angels ask dying people what they liked best about life. The dying people always express their love of something. If I were asked what I love most about being a therapist, I ‘d answer, “The joy of watching people grow in their True-Self expression.”
Here’s an example of growing True-Self expression for a client I’ll call “Delores.” (All clients’ identities are protected by confidentiality. When a therapist writes about therapy, the name, age, occupation, and even gender, are changed to protect the client’s anonymity and confidentiality.)
Ten years ago, Delores was a gifted and hard-working dance student. She yearned for her dance instructor to notice her. Unfortunately, she had learned from her mother that it was shameful to want to show off her abilities or even to want others to approve of her. So, in spite of her intense desire for her teacher's approval, Delores danced in the back of the class where the teacher wouldn't see her.
Now, in her late 20's and in her third month of our psychotherapy work together, Delores and I talk about her shame in wanting me to notice her. I validate her natural desire to be noticed favorably.
To further emphasize the naturalness of wanting to be noticed appreciatively, I tell her a story about my early diving experience with my grade school friend, Camille. From the end of a low diving board, Camille and I, lips blue and bodies shivering from the cold, would shriek to our mothers, "Watch me! Look at me!" After every dive, we'd race to our mothers: "Did you see that!" After we got the needed nods, we ran lickety-split back to the end of the diving board, waiting to catch our mothers' eyes again. Only then would we hold our noses and jump into the pool.
Delores seems mesmerized by the idea of my yelling, "Watch me!" For the next session, Delores brings a 10 minute videotape of one of her dance performances. She wants to share her performance, and feels weak for having that desire. And she can hardly breathe because she’s terrified that I will find her disgusting. But she is committed to her growth and has forced herself to bring me the tape in order to face and master her fear. We talk so long that there is not enough time to watch the tape. “Whew!” she sighs with relief as we realize we wont’ be watching it that day.
During the next session, she brings the tape again, and becomes nearly mute in the attempt to get herself to play it. She is furious with herself for feeling a need for me to see her work and she’s scared stiff that I will be revolted by her need.
Again, she brings the tape to the next session. Her car keys "accidentally" loudly clunk the plastic video tape cover. "Aha!" I tease, calling attention to my noticing the tape. "Don't do that to me," she quips back with pleasure. "Duly noted," I smile. After this exchange, she slaps her thigh and says, "Okay, I'll bite the bullet." And she hands me the tape to put in the player.
We watch her beautiful performance together. My eyes tear with the beauty of her work, its power, grace, and freedom. She's wrapped in alternate waves of delight at my being so moved and shame that she cares how I respond. We both feel triumphant at "getting through" this watershed event. She beams, "You're the only one who's ever seen this." We are both teary-eyed.
At our next session she is wearing shorts: she has never shown her legs before in session. Up to this point she had worn no makeup. Today she’s wearing mascara and her face is noticeably pinker and more expressive.
She tells me excitedly about her weekend visit to a park. She had noticed that a little girl, riding back and forth on her bicycle, was trying to catch her eye. She smiled at the girl, who then urged, "Watch this. . . and this. . . and this." She delighted in the girl’s zesty expression of her desire for recognition. Seeing Delores' delight, the girl reached for her hand and playfully pulled her to the top of the hill. Wordlessly, they both lay down in the grass next to each other. And suddenly, with no discussion, they both rolled down the hill, shrieking with laughter.
So, if the angels asked me what I most like about being a therapist, I would tell them: I love playing a part in someone’s growth of True-Self expression.
Dr. Jane Bolton, PsyD, LMFT, 6/10/07 |
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How Therapy Can Help
We humans have an innate desire to grow and develop to our fullest.
Full development occurs in the context of a secure relationship. Human connection, secure attachment and a sense of belonging are core, fundamental needs and motivations. These needs must be met for full development of the self to occur.
Many of us did not experience that deep connection and secure attachment earlier in our lives. Our caretakers may not have been optimally available to us because of their own unmet needs, preoccupations and human frailties. And our own development may have been put into a deep freeze.
But it’s never too late to thaw our inner self and begin to grow again. We can experience that kind of secure attachment now. Therapy is dedicated to providing that for you.Therapy gives you an experience of being heard and understood.
With a person devoted to learning who you are, and how you would like to be, over time enormous things are possible. We can build a new model of relationship with the therapist. This relationship can change the way we see ourselves and leads naturally to new ways of behaving and thinking. It gives us the possibilities of forming secure relationships with others, out of which we can continue growing for the rest of our lives.
No wonder I love my work. - -Jane |
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